Mr Periwinkle, Cat Extraordinaire
by Serenade.Me.Lee
Summary: The epic tale of Lee Macdougall, Robert Pattinson, Bobby Long, Kristen Stewart, and Jan Indigo.  As love pentagon blossoms, their cats are living parallel lives. Fun fluff!


**Welcome to this journey, darlings. I love you all, even if those feelings aren't returned. Unbeta'd and unappreciated (unless of course you want to leave some love/hate in the form of a review) **

**Disclaimer: This is all in the name of good fun, and I don't mean to insult anyone personally, nor his or her cat.**

7:00 AM

Meow, meow, meow. Time for my Meow MIx. My mommy, Miss Jan Indigo, is currently having a casual conversation with Mr. Lee McDougall.  
"Lee poppet!"

"'Ello mate!"  
"Would you fancy some tea and crumpets while we watch Mary Poppins and listen to Sting?"  
"No thanks Jan. I'm going to go have a chat with my friend."  
"Who's your friend dearie?"  
"That's quite peculiar that you would ask that. Are you always this creepy to small males? Or are you just a Billy no-mates?"  
"Darling! Why would you accuse me of such a heinous act?"  
"If you must know, I'm visiting my old mate Robert Pattison."  
"That young wanker in those Twatlight movies? Isn't he going out with that stoner girl? He seems like a doll. As in a stupid, ugly doll. Pick better friends Mr. Lee."

"Jan, please. I have to go play my guitar on the London Underground and post it on YouTube so procrastinating teens from Indiana will fall in love with my voice and devilishly good looks."  
"Devilish good looks? I think even your friend has it better. But that's alright pumpkin. Have a cuppa with me when you get back."  
"Stop being a stalker Miss Jan."  
"Love you!"

7:30 AM  
Mr. Lee is taking me to the ugly doll's house.  
"Mr. Lee! DON'T put a BONNET on my head! I am a CAT, not a BABY!"  
But all that came out was "meow meow meow"  
Mommy Jan tearfully let me go off with Mr. Lee because she needed to bring Mr. Fluffykins to the vet because Mr. Fluffykins is apparently a Miss Flufflykins and a litter of kittens that look surprisingly like me.  
How peculiar.  
Now, Mr. Lee is taking me to Chelsea, London to visit this Twatlight character.  
"Robbie! How have you been?"  
"Not too well Lee. Some girls from Indiana think I'm ugly. "  
"Strange...so how are things?  
"Did you not just say that?"  
"Shut up. I hate you."  
"No you don't. Stop lying. You love me more than you love Kristen. Anyway, who is this small male you have with you? And I love the bonnet!"  
"This? Oh it's my neighbor's cat. His name is Mr. Periwinkle."  
"Really? I have a cat too! Her name is Miss Petunia!"  
Then out of nowhere, an unkempt gray cat with piercing green eyes came from the other side of the room. She was extremely disheveled but yet, I still felt a deep heartfelt connection, like maybe I had seen this cat at the corner market sometime before.  
"Tuna is good," I said, trying to break the ice.  
"Really? I hate tuna." She suddenly killed my self-esteem.  
"No! I meant I hated it." I stumbled awkwardly.  
"Whatever." And she walked away back to this Robbie character.  
How could she care for Robbie more than me? He's so annoying and digusting. I don't quite see what Miss Petunia could possibly see in him. No, Mr. Perwinkle. Get your game on. Get over there and impress Miss Petunia.  
I slowly waddled back over to Lee and calmly attacked his leg, trying to impress Miss Petunia. Meanwhile, she was licking her paws and not paying a wink of attention to me.  
"What the bloody hell? Mr. Periwinkle! Stop ripping my hand-me-down Armani jeans I got from Robert here!" Lee screamed, in a rather girly, but meancing way.  
I smoothly walked away while Lee aimed a few pathetic kicks at me. Miss Petunia was wandering away and comforting stupid old Lee, now that he had some hardcore scratches on his leg. I sat down next to Robbie and began licking his foot as a traditional sign that Robbie was THE owner.  
"What the hell is wrong with your cat Lee? Get out! Now! You and your goddamn cat!" Robbie screeched at Lee.  
"God Robbie! Are you having PMS this week or what? Have you been sticking tampons up your nose again? I told it's unclean! Kristen even disapproves. Speaking of which, where is the drunken girl anyway?"  
"Lee! I'm still mad at you!" Robert pouted and sat down in a counter while Kristen stumbled down the stairs and nearly killed me.  
"Whhhhatttttttt? Leeeeeee? I wasn'tttt expectinnnnng youuuuu." She cut a piece of cheese and handed it along with some crackers to Robbie.  
"He needs his daily afternoon snack. Remember that Lee. When I'm gone and you too are together, you'll have to feed him. And where did these mangly animals come from? Robbieeeee! I told youuu I was into dogssssss."  
"Shut up Kris. I'm only using you for hot bod and bad rep."

'MMMMRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, Robbieeeeeee, I wannnna pony! ROBBIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE get me a pony!" I walked away from the big sulking mess named Kris. What an un-Brit name. I mean really where did she fetch that name? I bet her parents were Billy no-mates.

"Say Robbie, have ya got any whiskey for a good toast round 'ere?" Lee asked.

"Hell yeah mate! You wouldn't be British if you didn't have whiskey in your pantry." Robbie threw his crackers aside and opened a bottle of good old hard ale (the official British drink). After a few rounds, Kris was passed out on the floor and Lee and Rob were dancing and singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" while dancing with their cats. "MEOW!" I cried while Lee threw me in the air in his drunken stupor.

"Help us!" Miss Petunia meowed while Robbie tried to dunk her in a bowl of water. We meowed and scratched and bit as they kept singing. Eventually they were singing something called Key-shaa? It was peculiar-must have been something from The States. "Tik Tok...uhhhh on the clock...we are who we areeeee!" Rob belched rudely as Lee proceeded with the singing. "I wish I knew how to be." His singing faded as he loudly and idiotically crashed to the floor. We cats don't drink, and this is the main reason why. We decided to roam around outside and we ended up in a mud puddle. It was...interesting. I can see why Miss Petunia is so unkempt - she was born to live the Pattison way. We trailed mud back and walked carefully on the three people's faces. Then something loud rang. It scared me out of my wits. People must be off their rocker to use this sort of contraption.

**Oh no! By the way, I tease dear Robbie with love, and only make British jokes because I'm insanely jealous. **


End file.
